Walking away from comparing yourself to others

Comparing our self to others and yoga

Yoga is more than just the poses (asana) we do on the mat. In fact, yoga was not even created for the body, but rather for the mind. Yogis looked into what was the reason why humans were unhappy, why we were suffering. They figured out that it was something that had to do with our mind, with its constant fluctuations that torment us, like some big waves in the ocean on a windy day. To address the origin of the issue, yoga was created to calm the fluctuations of the mind in order to allow us to be happy, to experience contentment and to see our true nature. The postures (asana) we do on the mat were created to work better towards this aim of calming our mind. And so were other yoga principles, some grouped under the label “the eight limbs of yoga.”

This article is about one particular aspect of the first limb of yoga, called yamas, or “living with others”. To work towards a quiet mind, when living with others, yogis suggested to practice ahimsa, which in Sanskrit means “non-violence”, “not to injure” others and ourselves. In the following, I first show that comparing ourselves with others is a form of violence we do, as it ‘injures’ our self or others. Then, in the second part of this article, I suggest a metaphor to support you when you are ready to give up comparing yourself with others. In the attachment, I offer you a guided meditation to feel in your heart, not just in your head, how injustice comparison is.

Comparison as a form of violence

Comparison is something we do quite often. And it is something that is being done to us as well.

“I am not as fast as my colleague in completing this task.”

“Why didn’t you go for an IT job, like your sister, you would have been better off now…”

“I will not get this job, the others in the interview room were so much better than I.”

Because of the emotional injury it does to us, I see comparing ourselves to others as a form of ahimsa, of violence, a painful injury we do to ourselves.

We never win from a comparison because we tell our self we are not enough, we are not complete as we are. A comparison points towards something we are lacking and always brings in a feeling of disappointment with our self. Even when we are the positive one in that particular comparison (we are the sister who has the IT job), we are being labelled. As the ‘wealthy sister,’ we will always feel the pressure of meeting the expectations of our family attached with the title we have been given.

Woking with our mind beyond comparisons  

From Liliana, my favourite coach and old friend, I learnt how to explain to myself that I am worthy and drop a comparison before bringing myself down. I will share this with you below.

I invite you to think about an author, or a film you truly love, one that is not super popular, but resonated with you in a very special way. Ready? As an example, I will choose Nikos Kazantzakis who wrote Zorba The Greek, one of my favourite novels ever.

Then, bring to your attention another author, or a film that is appreciated and valued by a huge audience. Let’s say, Dostoyevsky, with the novel “The Idiot”, another novel that I have greatly enjoyed.

Now, if Nikos Kazantzakis had started comparing himself with Dostoyevsky while writing his draft, very likely he would have given up in publishing his work. “I would never be able to write like this” Nikos would have said, and that would have been the end of Zorba The Greek. What a great loss would that have been!

The point my coach Liliana wanted to make with this example, is that we cannot compare our self with others. You and the person you are comparing yourself to are very different in so many regards: you have different backgrounds, different life stories, different set of skills, different rhythms of working, of making decisions or choices. You are valuable just the way you are. You are unique, like Kazantzakis, and you can make a difference for the people around you with who you are right now. You are good enough right now, keep on doing what you are doing. Dostoyevsky had different circumstances, different exposure to the public, a different story and different style – accept that comparing yourself with others is unfair, as everything that contributed to who you are right now is different for the person that you are comparing yourself to.

You can click here for a short meditation ( it has a little less than 12 minutes) to walk yourself out of comparisons with your colleagues, with other women or men, with what others have, or don’t have. Enjoy!

 

I might know who is your worst enemy

“For most gulls, it is not flying that matters, but eating. For this gull, though, it was not eating that mattered, but flight.” (Jonathan Livingston Seagull).

This is the story of Jonathan, a seagull different to all the birds in his flock. He is so passionate about flying that he dedicates all his time to flying trainings, to find strategies to fly faster and faster. His speed improves in time from 90 miles an hour to 200 miles per hour, the fastest a gull has ever flown! Celebrating his 200 miles/hour achievement, he speeds up flying through his own flock. Nobody in the flock got hurt. But after Jonathan shares the incredible flying knowledge he has gained with his species, he was called before the Gull Council and was banished from the flock under the accusation of “reckless irresponsibility when flying”.

seagull

There is a little Jonathan in each of us. Maybe you wanted to become an astronaut, a painter, a film maker, a writer, and someone told you are not good enough to do it, or that you won’t have any money to pay for your rent if you pursue that woo-woo idea you cared so much about. Maybe you were keen on quitting your job to do something closer to your heart, to follow your purpose and you gave up because your family did not support you. At least once in a lifetime, each of us has given up on something – a passion, an idea, a dream, a wish because of the social pressure and expectations. You might have blamed it on the ‘Council of the flock’. But actually, I think it was you.

I believe you are your worst enemy. Although I am not denying the social pressure and what a difference can make a supportive social system or family, I believe you are often the harshest critic of yourself. You allow to speak to yourself in ways you would never speak to others. You look into the mirror and you say to yourself words you would never dare to say to your closest friend. You put blame, pressure, junk food, sleepless nights, overtime onto yourself like you would do to no other. And then you still want to fly higher and higher towards your dream?

Now that you know who is your worst enemy, you have the chance to stop whatever harm you notice you do to yourself.

Notice your self-talk. And if it’s junk, just change it, making it encouraging, friendly and loving. Before that job interview, before that meeting, before an important date, just say what you would say to your best friend. You can do it, you’ve got this.

Notice the actions you take towards yourself. What media has taught us is self-care – going for a massage, to the hairdresser, buying an expensive anti-wrinkle or taking a bubble bath – might be just what money can buy for a superficial self-care (questioning the ads I see now!) Go for depth self-care, like talking enough sleep, going for a run or for any type of exercise you enjoy, giving your body nutritious food, giving your brain some helpful learning, getting out for some free fresh air, taking breaks at work, write encouraging words on post-it and stick them all around your house, spend some time in silence (is cost $0!).

You know, the exclusion of Jonathan from the flock is not the end of the story. It is actually just the beginning of it. He does not criticise himself for aiming to fly faster. He is not blaming himself for being different, hence wrong. He goes and meets a group of more advanced gulls who, just like him, fly for the joy of it, not just for eating.

About what’s important in life – wisdom from a senior

“To survive, to keep on living is the most important thing in this world,”

said with low voice Peter, a 71 year old bush walker, driving his car to Eureka Camp on a Friday afternoon. Babak and I were going with Peter for the weekend to do some group bush walks at Yarra Junction. We did not have a car, Peter was kind to give us a lift there, where we were meeting the other bush walkers.

After some small chat about where are we originally from, about Uber and its costs, about the high way, cars and fuel, about the enjoyment of work, Peter said he was at a moment in his life when he was taking some time to plan the next 20 years of his life.

“I need to focus on what is important at my age”, mentioned Peter.

We wanted to hear more. We asked Peter what was it he appreciated in life, looking at it through eyes with more than 70 years of experience in seeing the world.

“Health is the most important thing.”

Then he paused. There is no fun in growing old. Whatever issue we used to have – stubborn or bad knees, cold limbs with bad blood circulation or sudden change of moods – they all grow stronger with age, while our body gets weaker and weaker. “Use it, or lose it” becomes more relevant than ever. Peter was prioritising going to gym at least 3-4 times a week and taking time for bush walks on the weekend. Giving our body the food it needs to be properly nourished and the exercise it needs to say active and fit is the absolute minimum we can do to stay healthy. And this is not really just for seniors. It applies to every single one of us.

“Having good relationships, dear people around you is the way to enjoy your health. Sometimes I think it is even more important than health.”

There was sadness in Peter’s voice when saying this. He has never been married. But this does not mean he could not enjoy the company of the bush walkers, of his friends for Christmas, Easter, or just for the weekend or an afternoon at the next door cafe. When it comes to our happiness, relationships are crucial (I wrote a LinkedIn article about it here a while ago). We might be tempted to prioritise money over relationships, career over spending time with our dear ones, saving up rather than going away for the weekend to visit a family member. Money will not support you with kind words and hot chocolate when you are down and feeling meaningless. Your career will not hold your hand when you are sick either.

“I want to write and publish three novels I have had in my head the last 20 years. And I want to write these novels for the joy of it.”

Peter didn’t like fame, so he wanted to publish under a pseudonym. “When you are famous, you don’t know anymore who is your friend and who is not.” Maybe it is writing that we do just for the joy of it. Maybe it is music, art, gardening, reading, walking, cooking. Whatever it is you always wanted to do, just go and do it now, while you have the time.

We’ve got to Eureka Camp a little wiser than we left Melbourne, grateful to Peter for sharing with us. After all, what seem to be important in life at 70s is highly relevant in our 30s, 40s, or whatever…

Cultivating new habits for our wellbeing at work

The one thing you can control is how you treat yourself. And that one thing can change everything. (Leeana Tankersley).

Your lower back sinks in pain. Today you may not have the usual head tension (could it be because is Friday!), but you are feeling exhausted. There is no energy left in your body to go out for the evening. You cannot focus much on your friends’ conversation anyway. The plan is to spend your weekend to sleep, forget about tasks, and recover from another stressful week at work.

This is not really living, it is dying at work. We know that. Why do we keep on doing it?

There are so many articles out there where you can read about some healthy habits at work: drinking enough water, taking regular breaks, standing up and walking from time to time, going out for your lunch break for a short walk. We read about these habits of better dosing our energy and effort at work. They enter through one ear, go out through the other, leaving us exhausted, into the same killing working routine.

This article gives 3 suggestions on how to integrate these healthy habits into your daily routine at work. I wish I learnt them sooner.

First of all, let’s face this, our deepest foundation for change: humans are creatures of habits. If you work out a day or two, it does not mean you have created a habit. I do not know exactly how many days it takes for the habit to be formed, opinions are very different: some say 21 days, other 32, some opinions are pointing to 66. Anyway, we’ve got the point. We need to prepare to stand up for ourselves for quite a few days to create and cultivate the new habit.

  1. Calendar reminders

At work, we have calendar reminders for all our deadlines and meetings. For meeting up with ourselves, let’s put a calendar reminder as well: notification for refilling your glass of water every hour, for standing up and walk for a couple of minutes, for going out for a walk, for our lunch break, four meditation time. Put these up, or you will forget about it. If you have a to do list, you want to have your new habits there as well. If you have weekly goals, or quarterly KIPs, your health goals and personal KPIs should also be in there, to keep yourself responsible. If you do not take care of yourself, nobody will.

water is good_glass copy

  1. Bundle new habits and old habits together into a ritual

We all have our little routine at work: we take a coffee when we arrive, we eat breakfast when checking our email, we have the stand up meetings, we send daily status reports. It will help cultivating new habits if you link them to something you already do and it already has roots in your behaviour. We drink a glass of water with the morning coffee. After the status report, we stand up and walk around the office for 3-5 minutes. After lunch, we go out for a short walk. Make sure the new ritual is captured in your calendar, just to double check on yourself. 🙂

DSC_0215

  1. Make deals with your colleagues

When I was working in customer support, picking up tickets and calls from customers, it was hard to plan my day, plan my routine, because things would always come up. Then I learnt that when I needed to do something important, I could tell Nicki, my manager, and she would cover me while I was doing the important thing I had on my list.

We can announce our colleagues when we plan to take a 15 minute break to go out for a short walk, invite them to our calendar event and count on them to pick up any urgent tasks coming up in our absence. Moreover, this will also be an invite and reminder for your colleagues to look after their mental and physical health at work. Maybe next time, they will send you a calendar invite for you to cover them when they do their daily walk.

You fully count on yourself to look after yourself. You may get support from your employer, your HR Manager, your Wellbeing Officer or your boss to work on your wellbeing at work. But in the end, it is up to you. And these small healthy habits can change everything the way you feel at work. You know the say:

“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”  Lou Holtz